Humans are notoriously delicate.
How to Escape the Cone of Shame
*This FAQ is for canines only.
Question: How do I remove the cone-of-shame?
The cone-of-shame or “Elizabethan Collar” is a strange and cruel punishment that is inflicted by humans for no reason. In order to escape this humiliation, try the solutions below.
This option is the simplest, but also least likely to succeed. Plant your legs firmly and shake your head. This can be enough to dislodge the cone, although your human may simply replace it when they notice.2.
2. Be spatially unaware
This is easier for larger dogs. Humans have a weak spot at the back of their knees – if you pretend that the cone is making you clumsy and disoriented by continually banging into your humans legs, they may remove the cone out of frustration. Be relentless. To sell the performance, also knock into doorframes, walls and furniture. If your human is in another room, focus on knocking things off tables. Humans are very attached to their trinkets so if they think these are in danger, they may remove the cone. (However this can backfire and instead result in your banishment to the backyard.)
3. Puppy-dog eyes
Humans are very emotional creatures, and particularly vulnerable when it comes to dogs. This is evident in the hours they invest watching puppies on the internet, and the outbursts of pain and confusion that arise when they watch movies in which ‘the dog dies.’ You can take advantage of this emotionality by giving your human the ‘puppy dog eyes’ – let your head droop, your ears flop, and peer up at your human with all the sadness you can muster. For some humans this display is heart-wrenching enough that they will remove the cone out of guilt or pity.
4. Bad smell
Humans are notoriously delicate – many do not like saliva, hair or bad smells in their living quarters (though many of them defecate right next to their bedrooms!). To guarantee that your human will remove the cone, you need only bring one such “disgusting” product into the house. To do so, stand by the door until your human lets you outside, then find the freshest, smelliest pile of excrement you can, and put your nose close to it under the guise of sniffing. Whilst doing this, make sure to secretly rub the cone into the poop. When there is a sufficient smear, whine to be let back inside.
Your human will quickly smell the problem. They will have to remove the cone in order to wash it, at which point you will be free! If they replace the cone later, simply repeat the process.
Remember, though excrement can be undignified, it is nothing to the humiliations of the cone-of-shame.