Your Guide to the Perfect Mars Getaway | Alicia Bruzzone

I was surprised how much they were charging for megaphones on Mars.

– Anonymous Tourist


Your Guide to the Perfect Mars Getaway

By Alicia Bruzzone

For The Get Your Ass to Mars Award


 

The Essential Mars List:

Mars has long been called the red planet for its rock formations. Unbeknownst to us, it became the red planet from the bleeding locals. Those rocks are razor sharp. You’ll need Band-Aids. In bulk.

Although further out than Earth, sunglasses are still required. These ward off unrequited glare from the holidaying pasty-skinned computer technicians. Blinding by sharp rock is another (albeit less popular) option.

With the recent discovery of water on Mars, towels have become quite the designer object, and Mars is currently suffering a major shortage. Having a towel slung over your shoulder indicates intelligence, as it took scientists centuries to uncover what you casually moped up this morning.

Take an umbrella. Not for rain, this is used for bird poop. Not that there are birds inhabiting Mars, but imagine how ruined your holiday would become if they started to.

Pack a large supply of green inflatable aliens. Seriously, the locals go nuts for these collectables, and they will accept them as tips. Also handy for napping mid flight if you don’t have a pillow. But be forewarned, the resale value is decreased once previously inflated.

Due to the low atmospheric density of Mars sound doesn’t travel well. If you want to yell at your kids to stop jumping on the bed, the usual vein-popping, eye-bulge hollering isn’t going to cut it. Pack your own megaphone. They are ridiculously overpriced planet-side, at over twenty inflatable aliens apiece.

Similarly, you should consider bringing a large poking stick for the above purpose. It also works great on waiters, but you may be asked to leave the restaurant if you sharpened it first. Again, Band-Aids. They won’t sue you for keeping the red planet red, but they will be irked at wasting a towel to stem the flow.