Captain* Bill’s Guide to a Perfect Red Planet Holiday | Nick Lachmund

Hey you! Planning your first trip to Mars? Captain Bill’s got just the ticket.

Gilbert & Hunter’s Alien Insect Repellent’
Captain* Bill’s Guide to a Perfect Red Planet Holiday

By Nick Lachmund

For The Get Your Ass To Mars Award


Ahoy, It’s your favourite old sea dog Captain* Bill here. This time I’m here to tell you the key items you don’t want to go without when you’re travelling to the Mars.

A laser-sighted cricket bat: Everyone knows how difficult it is getting ray guns through customs since the intergalactic terror strikes so this is a great alternative. Most Martians natives have been colonised but the few that haven’t are no match for this device. Simply distract them with the laser and then knock their heads clean off. It’s that easy!

Alcohol: If you like a drink then you are best to BYO. The price of a drink on Mars is outrageous and the local products are even below lunar standard!

A clean towel: We all know why.

Toilet paper: Mars culture doesn’t always incorporate this. BYO to ensure you’ve got TP!

Gilbert & Hunter’s Alien Insect Repellent: Mars is known for having the largest flying creatures in the galaxy and you’ll need protection. The only way to be truly protected is by using Gilbert & Hunter’s Alien Insect Repellent!

Condiments: While the Martian Chipotle Tri-Meat Sausage might be legendary, so is the lack of condiments on the planet. I recommend taking your favourite sauce, mustard or relish.

Extra bedding: We all know about the icy nights on Mars. If you can’t find a Martian Matebot to snuggle up to, you’ll be glad you packed a sleeping bag.

That’s it folks, my guide to the perfect holiday on Mars. Just remember, when you get there tell ‘em Captain* Bill sent ya!

*not an actual Captain