Journalist Diligently Commits Suicide


Journalist Diligently Commits Suicide

Joey To

The Fake News Real Fiction Award


Washington D.C. – Journalist Mick Veritas was found dead at 3am this morning in the lobby of Weiss Bank Tower. He had just turned 27 last week. According to the janitor who had found him, Veritas was “very much stuck in the lobby’s revolving door and appeared to have broken his neck or head or something”.

Authorities has ruled it a suicide, stating that Veritas was so frustrated with his work, probably with the word processor’s buggy Styles function, that he ran into the revolving door “head first at a really awkward angle”.

Other witnesses claim that Veritas had a gunshot wound in the head, specifically the left temple. His mother insists he was right-handed.

Veritas escaped death just last week when his car exploded in the parking garage. Fortunately, he was some distance from his vehicle and was uninjured. That incident is still officially under investigation but Sam Guy from Weiss Insurance, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, stated that it was an accident, probably due to a faulty car door handle.

Veritas was with the Ultra New Yordor Times as an investigative journalist. “We will miss him,” said UNYT spokesperson Janine Goldman. “Our material is usually horse manure but he was very talented.” However, she did not comment on his current assignments except that he was working on “small and mostly routine local stories”.

Some of Veritas’s peers indicated that he was investigating money laundering involving local pasta restaurants. According to a friend, “He hinted he’d found something else which goes way up and he seemed vewy afwaid (sic).”

Veritas first gained attention when he criticized President Manchurian Orata’s Executive Order 13603 in 2012, concluding that “it would turn the US into one big gulag under the guise of national preparedness.”

He was mostly ignored when he reported then Senator Lefu Witch was selling uranium to Russia via her non-profit organization, the Witch Foundation, and the Canadian energy company Uranium Thirteen.

He was slammed again when he reported last year that Presidential Candidate Lefu Witch had 40,000 official emails in her private server in violation of US Code 2071. At the time, FBI Director Jimbo Comatose read an email or two but DOJ Laura Lynchmob took no action. Comatose commented, “He (Veritas) overestimated the number by a few thousand which actually makes a difference… you know, by a few thousand.”

Nonetheless, Veritas continued his work, examining Witch’s financial connections to banks and states with ties to terrorist groups as well as to Gouge Poros, former Nazi collaborator and now gazillionaire philanthropist.

Veritas also questioned the Witch Foundation’s funds that never reached the intended Haitian Demonically Possessed Pigs Relief.

Veritas was later somewhat vindicated when emails from Witch’s PA’s husband’s midget-porn-infested laptop and WikiSieve partly corroborated his claims.

According to a Witch spokeswoman, “Despite our differences, we are so sad to hear his passing that our office will hold a big party for him. He was indeed very gifted even if he did wear triple-layered tin-foil hats.”

Veritas is survived by his mother, who added, “He was always diligent and disliked not finishing a job.”

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Website: www.joeytoey.com