For the Love of Perverts | Joey To


For the Love of Perverts

Joey To

The Don McCrady Invitational Award


Dear Dr DE4TH,

I’m a 17-year-old girl and have my sights on this guy at church. He seems nice and the least perverted I know.

My problem: I’m all for equal opportunity but, in addition to other girls, I have to compete with the scantily dressed biology teacher and a gay guy with better fashion sense than most.

How do I compete? And if I ever have a daughter, what do I tell her? Previous generations didn’t have this problem.

– Sara

Sara,

Not to rub it in but… suck it up.

Report the pervert teacher; she’s probably “tutoring” a student anyway so you’re not lying.

You can resort to homicide but that’s probably an overreaction.

Re your future daughter: have to make one first.

– DE4TH

Dear Dr DE4TH,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. He’s a smartass but he is sweet. We were discussing marriage when he whipped out his smartphone. I thought I saw “www.happyeighteens.com/xxxweddings” followed by a bunch of pop-ups.

Anyway, the video had a bride and groom on a balcony against the sun. All very magical… but then the sun suddenly set and the groom shoved it in.

How do I proceed?

– Sara

Sara,

He wants to marry you before shoving it in. At least he’s not a total pervert. What’s your problem?

– DE4TH

Dear Dr DE4TH,

I am the only daughter with seven older brothers. My parents are so protective, they won’t let me out without a dress at least three inches below the knee. The dress-code is fine; it’s their attitude that’s annoying!

– Anne

Anne,

Your parents obviously like porking just to get a girl. Buy your mother a rubber mallet for the pork fillets.

Also, be grateful you don’t have a drunken Russian-speaking Indian priest who (unintelligibly) demands dresses to be eight inches below the knee.

– DE4TH

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Website: www.joeytoey.com