‘No More Darkness’
Bryana Louise Thomas
The room was cold like his heart.
The rain hit the window like his words hit me, forceful and without hesitation.
His face so close to mine that I could feel his breath slam against me.
I was staring up at him through my lashes, my eyes blurred from the tears, he was not the boy I once knew… he was a dark heartless man.
We have had countless fights but none quite as intense as this one.
This time he had left marks.
I wasn’t sure what hurt more, the pain of his enormous fists or not knowing when he was going to stop.
He stood up and violently reached for his jacket that was hanging on the coat stand. As he pulled the jacket away from where it hung the coat stand smashed against the hard wood floor. He slammed the door behind him.
I knew it would only be a matter of time before he returned, so I quickly ran into the bedroom and grabbed a suitcase, blindly packing my entire life into one small bag whilst tears ran down my cheeks spreading dark mascara as they fell.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror; a dark haired, green eyed, foolish girl stared backed at me.
“Why do I do this to myself? Why do I put up with this? Nobody deserves to be treated the way he treats me…” I muttered at my battered reflection.
I truly and deeply wanted to get away, away from his anger, from his hurtful words, his abuse, his trap. That’s my memory of the way I felt. I was trapped, I couldn’t get out. I always thought about leaving, but never did. I didn’t know any different other than being with him. I was stuck in a never ending maze of emotional and physical violence. I could never find the exit, until now.
I rushed out of the bedroom, but before I could even reach the front door I tripped over the coat stand that lay motionless on the floor. My head felt fuzzy, I must have hit it when I fell.
I could hear the sound of screeching tyres coming up the driveway. I tried to stand but my body was frozen.
The front door swung open. I could no longer see an exit, just a dark figure standing over me.
I didn’t even scream. I knew what was about to happen and it would be my exit. My only exit.
As his hands were wrapped around my neck, my last thought was ‘it’s finally over’.
His Memory –
How am I meant to tell the woman I love I suffer from such a complex mental disorder.
My doctor seems to think it is caused from my traumatic childhood. ‘Traumatic’ doesn’t even begin to describe my upbringing. My father was an abusive alcoholic who used to beat me and my brothers until we were black and blue and unfortunately for my mother he hit her one too many times. I blame him for my darkness.
I know I hurt my wife, but I have no control over the other personalities. Anything can trigger them, music, a memory, even a nightmare.
It was raining outside that night. I remember listening to the heavy drops hit our window before I drifted off to sleep.
The next thing I remember was the darkness that came over me.
She was crouched down on the floor, tears running down her face. Her expression was hurtful and she was so scared of me.
I couldn’t stop it, I knew what I was doing was wrong.
My knuckles were raw and her face was unrecognizable.
I tried so hard to fight it until the darkness finally allowed me to stop.
I knew I had to leave. I grabbed my jacket off the coat stand. I still remember the awful crashing sound it made as it hit the floor.
I got in my car and started to drive. It was like I was fighting a war inside my brain with someone I didn’t even know. This stranger looked back at me in my rear view mirror.
I only made it a few blocks before the darkness finally faded. I had to go back… I had to get her help. She must be in so much pain. Tears streamed down my face, how much longer could I fight this war?
I span the car around and drove home as fast as I could. I slammed on the brakes in the drive way, jumped out of the car and ran through the front door.
I saw her laying right near the door, blood gushing down her face. Seeing her lying there like that triggered a memory of my mother, the night my father had destroyed her beautiful face for the last time.
I noticed there was a suit case lying next to her, she was going to leave me. The darkness was coming back.. I couldn’t let her leave me. I need her, she can help me.
She was looking up at me, this time expressionless. It was as if she didn’t care anymore, she didn’t care about me.
My hands were around her neck before I even realised, I squeezed so hard until the light went out in her eyes.
I looked down at her motionless body. What have I done? I love her. She was so innocent, she loved me. She loved a monster.
I can’t let the darkness hurt anyone else. There was only one way I could win this fight.
I picked her up and gave her one last kiss on her bloody forehead and whispered “I’m sorry”.
I walked into the bedroom, pulled out my revolver and placed the barrel right against my temple. As I pulled the trigger my last thought was ‘No more darkness’.