Perfect Housemates | Nick Lachmund

Perfect Housemates

Nick Lachmund

The Logical Peril Award

“When I think of fear, two truths come to the fore. First, that most fear is the fear of unknown. The second, ‘better the devil you know’. But what if that wasn’t true. What if our worst fear was the one right in front of us. What if we’d been in danger this whole time, and never knew it until now.”

I read the quote and I laughed aloud. It reminded me of my stupid fucking housemate who has no idea what I’m really like.



I thought he was a fag when he moved in. But, after catching him staring at my arse and tits, I knew he wasn’t. That made him easier to control. If I wanted him to do something, I just had to ask at the right time; when I was in a towel after a shower or in my sports bra after a gym session for example. He couldn’t say no. He was a fat moron living with a hot girl that he couldn’t help falling in love with. He never stood a chance.


From the moment I moved in, I knew that she was an arrogant bitch. She genuinely stopped when moving past mirrors to look herself. Every fucking time! I looked forward to living with her. She wouldn’t see me as a threat. She would probably think of me as the quirky, fat friend. She would think that she could control me. But, as we grew closer, the easier it would be to abuse her trust. She never stood a chance.



We fell into a routine early with me doing the grocery shopping and Jarrod doing the cooking. He is a much better cook than I am. It’s probably a result of his watching cooking shows at night, rather than going out like a normal person. Jarrod wanted to go away camping with his brother for a week a couple of months ago. The last thing I wanted was to have to cook for myself for a whole week so I scored a little bit of speed from my dodgy cousin Caleb and spiked Jarrod’s beer when we went to our local. He began to freak out and I took him home, really playing the hero. He called off the trip and was good to start cooking again within a day or two. Some of my best work.



Brooke is also a lazy bitch. She goes to the supermarket every week and buys about half of what we need to survive. Then she carries on about how the shopping is done. I end up doing just as much shopping and I do all the cooking. But I don’t mind. Being in control of the food stocks has become rather fun over time. Brooke’s favourite thing in the whole world is peppered mayonnaise. What she doesn’t know is that I’ve been using my own recipe to spice up the mayo since I moved in. Without realising it, my super attractive cock tease of a housemate has been consuming my spunk almost every day for a few months now. Sometimes, during dinner, she will ask me why I keep smiling, I tell her it’s nothing. Some of my best work.



Jarrod keeps his pin numbers written on a sticky note in the top draw of his desk. You’d think, being such a dork, that he’d have a better memory than he does. I only use his cards at night when he is asleep and I only ever take out $50 at a time. It’s harder for him to realise that way. But it adds up. Over the past year I’ve probably squeezed a couple of grand or more out of him. If he ever catches me, I’ll probably just let him fuck me. That’ll make him forget all about a bit of petty theft. Between the cooking, the money and his inability to say no to me, Jarrod really is the perfect housemate.



Brooke manages to leave her dirty clothes everywhere and anywhere, other than in the laundry of course. She expects me to wash them all. If I’m washing them, I figure I might as well get have fun with them. I know what Brooke tastes like now. I’ve licked and sucked all her clothes to taste every part of her. I even brought a hooker home once when Brooke had gone back to stay with her parents and paid her extra to put on Brooke’s dirty underwear. We fucked in Brooke’s bed twice and once in the kitchen. I loved shooting loads over Brooke’s clothes and bed. Between the dirty underwear, the peppered mayo and her general ignorance, Brooke really is the perfect housemate.

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