Voodoo Happens | Estelle Owen

Advice to live by.


Voodoo Happens

By Estelle Owen

For The What We Talk About When We Talk About Love Award


 

Voodoo happens to raise a girl-child to sixteen in one piece.
Advice to live by.
Never borrow a friend’s clothes until after she has worn them at least once.
People give away cigarettes about as freely as they do their first born.
Don’t waste your money on G-strings. If you are under 16 they are like odd socks and will never make it through my laundry.
If you need to act like a ‘big’ woman and start roaming the streets you’d better get used to walking.
If you don’t phone your mum your phone goes missing.
If you want to stay up all night playing loud music there is an instant blackout.
If you lie to your mum your diary gets read.
If your mum needs a smoke and you have one – give it to her.
Mum rings at 12.00, locks the door at 1.00, takes the battery out of the doorbell at 2.00 and the phone off the hook at 3.00 so you’d better be home by then.
If you want to have sex with men aged 18 and over mum is allowed to kill them if they turn up at the house. If you have a problem with this we will go down to the police station and discuss this with the coppers.
If you want to have a ‘Home and Away’ drama and take too many panadols- you don’t want to ever get another headache.
If you want to get your tongue pierced get a job. If it’s at Hungry Jacks they’ll make you take it out anyway.
If you get embarrassed when your mum drops you off at school, don’t let on or in the afternoon she will turn up with bed hair and slippers, call you that pet name you hate and kiss you with unbrushed teeth.
If you are embarrassed about doing the family grocery shopping it could get worse. The acoustics are great in supermarkets and opera never goes out of fashion.
If you talk dirty expect that from now on you’ll have to buy your own feminine protection.
If your mum comes home and finds a boy unannounced in her house expect that the baby photos will come out and reminiscing about your bowel habits will begin.
If you come home and your eyes are heading in two different directions you will be locked inside the house with your mother until some discussion is reached.
If you don’t do your homework the TV breaks at 6.00pm freaky aye.
If you ask for help with your homework while you are researching on the internet and mum discovers you are messaging about giving head all the hairbrushes disappear in the house.
If you don’t want to drive her somewhere tell her she can ring a taxi.
If she is behaving buy her favourite foods if she isn’t buy yours.
If you cook dinner and she disappears it somehow gets burnt.
Give her, her room. If it’s messy close the door and knock before you enter.
If someone makes her cry be prepared for a fight. Stick up for your girl if you don’t who will?
Only ever buy prepaid for teenagers phones. Make this their allowance in return for chores or behaviour don’t hold it above their heads though and only take away this privilege if they do something illegal.
If she is behaving and achieving at school reward her with a magazine. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money it is the acknowledgement that counts.
Buy her a school bag and school shoes that she likes do not scrimp on this. Credibility is pay dirt for these girls. They will get better wear from good quality items anyway.
Always have microwave popcorn in the house and encourage swapping of DVDs.
Make up some secret codes that way you can still talk about embarrassing issues (such as feminine protection) in public places. It keeps the line of communication open.
Make some traditions like saying the same thing every time they go to sleep.
Bite your tongue especially when she says those dreaded words “Promise you won’t get angry mum…”
Be consistently flexible.
At those important stages in your daughter’s life have a ritual, light some candles or let her get her ears pierced. A rite of passage.
When she has her own child she will apologise.