New Eared Steve Will Leave Your Ears Bleeding | Madeleine Stephens

Gary Smith goes from AFL to a big fail in this summer’s big flop.


New Eared Steve will Leave Your Ears Bleeding

By Madeleine Stephens

For the New Eared Steve Award


 

 

The only thing in the world more butt-clenchingly cringe worthy than enduring the man-made disaster that is the movie, New Eared Steve, is the fact that you are forced to surrender an unworthy portion of your hard earned dosh to see it. Ex AFL player, Gary Smith, plays Steve, a character who can be most simply described as a loser. Although kind-hearted, he struggles through the everyday rigour of life with limited success in every arena. He is unemployed, balding and possesses a keen knack for creeping on girls at least half his age. In particular, a shop assistant named Stacey, played by 16 year old former Big Brother star, Shayleigh Jones-Smith, who assumes the position of the unlikely, albeit impossible, love interest.

Despite the films many downfalls, it is impossible to deny that the plot is not creative. After inadvertently blinding an escaped mass-murderer with the fiery chipotle sauce of his triple meat, triple cheese, 4 cheese cheeseburger, Steve was hailed a hero by the city of San Francisco. Momentarily, that is, before he was subsequently squashed by an ice-cream truck. Steve wakes up to find himself bound in plasters and bandages and resolves to make changes in his life to become the hero everyone has mistaken him for.

In the interest of your own mental safety, it is my duty to you to inform you of the final scene as an attempt to lower the risk of you sticking the rear end of your choc top up your nose, just to make it stop. Yes, I am going to spoil the ending, but trust me, it is for your own good. So, just when you think Steve is improving his life with a job, a girlfriend and courageously fulfilling his role as the city’s much needed hero, Steve wakes up from a dream. That’s right. A dream. Remember those plays you used to write and perform with your friends to an audience of glassy-eyed parents? It ended exactly like those did.

To add to the frustration, the whole production appears to be filmed from the back of a violently trotting horse with vertigo. Not only was the footage jerky, the cameraman heavily abused close-up frames of Steve’s rounded face and many spotted chins. Little time was taken to construct the sets with a default seashell or still-life fruit bowl filling every picture frame. Dialogue consisted of a long string of clichés only broken by emotional stares at the sky. The one saving grace was that, although the song choice was a wildly inappropriate mix of terrible love songs from the early 2000s, it was nice to be able to close your eyes and imagine you were somewhere far far away while listening to Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney.

The film is unbelievably sexist with nurses dressed in tight dresses and heels as if ‘70s porn was one of the main sources of inspiration. Ideas of turning your life around, striving to be something better and working hard to achieve a better life are explored in a large majority of the film. However, the fact that Steve imagines all of this and ends up exactly where he started at the beginning of the movie, results in these explorations becoming redundant. The film advertises some other ideals, too. It promotes the idea that even if you eat four cheeseburgers a day, think a treadmill is somewhere they make flour and rely on virtual realities for social contact, you can still be somewhat of a hero. Which is kind of nice, I guess.

If you are still considering watching this movie for any reason other than to cause life-long damage to your brain to claim some kind of insurance money, you are indeed dumber than our friend Steve. Next time you see a DVD shop, stop, go inside, hire out all the copies of New Eared Steve, ignite the entire collection until they are a pile of plastic goo and move states to live near a new DVD shop who doesn’t want to fine you $100 in late fees. Be a real hero.