They say we’re our own worst critics. Sarah Al-saad shows us what tough love looks like in this fake review for the CLONE EBERT Competition.
TV Actor Slams Own Show!
SUCCUBUS REVIEW: A STUDY IN MEDIOCRITY
by Sarah Al-saad
When asked about what prompted me to take a role in Succubus, my first reply is the show’s originality. After all, the idea of an unsuspecting, attractively mundane human caught in a steamy love triangle between two supernatural dreamboats and the titillating dance of will-they-won’t-they is the very essence of creative innovation, is it not?
This particular paragon of televised entertainment depicts college boy Damien (Robert Pattinson)’s struggle to choose between seductive succubus Calista, played by Megan Fox, and the virtuous banshee Lorelei – yours truly. No prizes for guessing who the idiotic lapdog ends up choosing in this shambles of a season finale.
Thus far, the show has been the typical run of boy meets girl, boy falls in love, boy finds out girl is a soul-sucking demon, boy is in too deep to care. Enter my character, the shrewd, perpetually miserable banshee who lost her own lover to this temptress and is now on a noble quest to save others from a similar fate. In other words, a paranormal cock-block. Except somewhere between confessing to Damien her own mythological origin and warning him of Calista’s evil intentions, she went and fell in love with him herself. The ensuing division between ‘Team Calista’ and ‘Team Lorelei’ has fuelled speculation about which of the two characters will be the object of Damien’s affections.
OK, OK. So maybe the speculations were more about how quickly Damien will blow off Lorelei and allow Calista to have her way with him. You couldn’t even let me cling to that delusion, could you?
Anyway, the summation of the long-awaited season finale is this: Damien finally agrees to run away with Lorelei, but that evening, Calista comes creeping in, plies him with whispered promises of family-unfriendly activity, and in a daze of pheromone-fuelled abandon, Damien allows himself to be whisked off into the night. That’s fifty-strong episodes of Lorelei fighting to save him from eternal damnation shot to pieces.
I would say I’m disappointed, but after three torturous seasons of this embarrassment of a TV show I’ve been duped into working in, disappointment is now simply a bitter, unwanted fragment of what remains of my personality. It wasn’t enough that the entire show was named after Megan Fox’s character – she had to win the man, too.
I’m a tolerant actress. I’ve put up with a barrage of reporters shoving mics in my face and asking me what it’s like to work in Megan Fox’s voluptuous shadow. But this ending inexorably renders my presence perfectly worthless, as the focal point of the show is quite clearly the ‘electrifying sexual chemistry between Fox and Pattinson’. And to think I used to value the input of the great minds at the Telegraph office.
To conclude: unconventional as it may be for a soon-to-be ex-actress to trash her own TV series, heed my faithful warning: Whatever you do, make sure you do not tune in to Succubus. Your happiness, much like Damien’s soul, will be sucked dry.
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