The Invasion of Canada | Ash Warren


The Invasion of Canada

By Ash Warren

For the ‘Fake News, Real Fiction’ Award


‘And that’s live in three – two – one….’

The cameras homed in on Connie Ryan, resplendent tonight in a tailored burgundy suit for tonight’s episode of Connie Ryan: the Interview.

‘Good evening Canada.’ Connie began as always, peering lovingly down the lens of Camera One.

‘As we all know, the last few years have been exciting ones since our country was annexed by the North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, the man we now call our Dear Leader.’

A winning smile and a quick toss of her head as she spread the love to Camera Two.

‘However, what many of us don’t know, is that this ambitious plan to take control of Canada actually started in Pyongyang with just two men.  And they are with me tonight.’

The camera panned quickly to the sofa where two casually dressed, middle-aged men smiled and waved to the audience.

‘Park Si-woo and Kim Min-jun, welcome to tonight’s show.’

‘Thanks Connie.’

‘Nice to be here Connie.’

‘Gentlemen, you were the original members of the famous Department of World Domination, better known as the ‘Revolving Door’ Department? Correct?’

The two men nodded.

‘Why was it called that?’

‘Well, the idea is that all buildings in Canada and the DPRK now have revolving doors as this reminds us of the fact that the whole world goes around the Dear Leader, our center, so to speak. Of course, now it’s now the logo for the Department of World Domination too.’

Connie nodded sagely.

‘It’s a daunting idea though, world domination…. How did you begin?’

‘Well…. systematically.  We decided to start with just one country…’ said Mr. Kim.

‘A logical move.’ said Connie.  ‘And which countries did you initially look at?’

‘Well, there was quite list at first.  You know, the obvious ones… Greece…. Italy….’

‘Australia….  we kind of felt sorry for them actually.’ said Mr. Kim.

‘But gentlemen, the big question… why Canada?’  Connie pressed.

‘Well you know, there’s just so many similarities….’

‘Please tell us.’ said Connie.

‘Well, for example, both of us have a loud, rich and very nasty neighbour to our South,’ said Mr. Park.

‘Quite so.’  Connie nodded

‘Which has tried to invade us in the past…’ said Mr. Kim.

‘Multiple times. Sad!’ chimed Mr. Park.

‘And then there’s the Queen…. a hereditary Head of State…..’ offered Mr. Kim.

‘Quite right’ said Connie  ‘Another good fit.’

‘Anyway, as you know we took out some ads outlining our plans.’ said Mr. Park. ‘The idea was to run a fast, small campaign, but you know how these things tend to morph into something much bigger. So we explained we had half a million soldiers to protect the borders.  Make Canada Safe Again.  Shift the capital to Vancouver, no one knew where Ottowa was anyway. And after a while people agreed it would just be polite to have the Dear Leader on the ballot!  And wow, that’s the great thing about Canadians, being polite is very important here.’

‘And, the election?’ said Connie happily.

‘Yes, we offered to run that for Canada, you know, save money… And amazingly, as you know, ninety-nine percent of Canadians voted for us!’

‘What a surprise!’ said Connie.

‘Just like back home!’ smiled Mr. Kim.

‘Exactly.  Well, people are the same everywhere, aren’t they?’ said Connie. ‘Thank you so much gentlemen, that was wonderfully informative.  And to close our show tonight, I think our viewers would love to see the new Canadian stamp that’s been released today.  Here it is.  A lovely picture of the Dear Leader riding a sacred white moose, seen here crossing the St. Lawrence river.’

The End.