3am | A. Lowery

A hard choice is made at 3 am.


A. Lowery

Quitters Anonymous Award

3am; that empty time between the full darkness of the night and the blossoming hope that comes with the rising dawn. There is no hiding from the truth at 3am. There are no bright lights or a fake cheery smile plastered on my vacant face to fool those I hold dear, to fool myself, at 3am.

3am, and I think why can’t I just be happy. I have a roof over my head, and food in my stomach, I have a warm bed and great friends. But they don’t understand. How could they? They have happy lives, full of light and hope. What did I have? There was nothing but emptiness left in me. How long can I go on making sure everyone else is happy, while I have a hollowed-out place in my chest at 3am?

3am, and I wonder again about my love, my heart. Our love was bright and exciting, but now I lay awake and hope I will be able to set eyes upon his face again. For the love and protection of country, for the thrill of the chase, he went off to war. He went off to fight- brothers in arms- in the coldest of wars. He left the one who loves him, me, alone at home, to wait and to hope at 3am.

3am, and knowing sleep has forgone me I rise and attempt to occupy time. Walking aimlessly around the house I see pictures of a happier me. The me I have long lost, the me that had purpose. Drive. Passion. Regardless of what the desire I once felt was for, I had chosen to quit being that person, and instead, be the me that wanders around the house at 3am.

3am and he was gone, standing in the doorway, my tears flooding on the floor. The Sergeant and the Chaplin had come but my love was gone, lost in the never-ending battle for freedom, never to return home. Not even a ghost of him, not even his essence. Not now. Not ever. Not at 3am.

3am, when the reality of my life is all too apparent, and all too incomplete. There is only one option left, there is nothing left for me here. What am I going to do? The answer is simple. I was always told quitting was easy – the cowards way. But at 3am I think quitting life is the best and hardest decision I have ever made, but I am going to be with my love again. Finally at peace, finally calm at 3am.