Malt Eclairemont Drizzley
CEO Malt Drizzley Productions
Buildings 1-100, Malt Drizzley Land
Dear Mr Drizzley,
I am writing to you regarding your recent rejection letter, in which you pointed out my apparent – ‘shortcomings’ – that you seemed to believe were the reason I ‘was not an appropriate candidate’ for the role of Cinderella in your upcoming film, Cinder Town. I would like to appeal this decision of yours, as I find it most imprudent and foolish, especially from such an esteemed figure as yourself with over forty years’ experience in the industry.
Firstly, I would like to address the concern you raised about the ‘face’ of Cinderella. The photo I had attached to my application letter did not display a ‘very commendable degree of puppy fat’, but rather, the frankly alluring results of three top-quality Botox treatments and liposuction to enhance what are already perfect cheekbones.
Secondly, I would like to argue your deeply insulting comment about my height. Early accounts of the story of Cinderella have never specified that she need have shaped calves, a neck of an attractive length or be more than five feet tall. Aside from the fact that the expressions you elected to use regarding my own height would most certainly be branded as outright discrimination in a court of law, I am ashamed to think that Malt Drizzley Productions, with such a large budget and a special effects crew flaunted as first-class, have not yet mastered the very simple tricks of shoe-lifts and updos. It is astonishing to imagine that you would be willing to forego such a fitting and talented actress for the sake of a few feet in height.
While I am on the subject of incompetence, I recall that you questioned in your letter whether or not I would be able to fulfil the ‘physical and mental demands’ of such a ‘spotlight role’, especially in regards to long filming hours and the recital of lengthy dialogues. I believed, until I received your note, that your production company would be flexible enough to work around the hours I require for my beauty sleep. I ask for nothing more than a solid ten-hour slumber for my daily rejuvenation, and a mid-week afternoon siesta which I refuse to sacrifice for any interruption. As for your concern about my mental ability to remember a few lines, I would like to assure you that, being of youthful age and having dined with many genuine…princesses…in my time, the standard of my mental ability for recollection, coupled with my line deliveries, will not fail to impress. I am, after all, reliably informed that I deserve the honourable title of Queen of Drama, Performance and Imaginative Thought.
Lastly, I have decided after much debate to deign with a response your imbecilic excuse in relation to my age. Your request in the role description clearly stated that applicants who wanted to audition would need to look somewhere ‘around their mid-twenties’. Nowhere did I read a term or condition even remotely suggesting that applicants would need to be within the age bracket IRL. Furthermore, your remark that casting me ‘would be cradle-snatching’ is quite misplaced. For your information, I am a full seven years and eleven months, and if my mathematics is correct, when rounded to the nearest whole number, I will be placed without a doubt in the eight year-old category. Besides, what ID-defying feats can’t be managed these days with a little foundation, fishnets and some good ole-fashioned cleavage? So my mother tells me, anyway.
I have had this letter dictated to Miss Betty DeWinters, my governess, who is an ardent fan of your recently released film, Chilled. When you next write to me with your apology and implore me to accept the role of Cinderella, I would appreciate it greatly if you would exchange your grovelling for an opportunity for Miss DeWinters to meet the cast of the film. I would not usually impose such a light tax upon a person who has been so bold and affronting as you have in rejecting my application for an audition, however, I have heard mostly good things about Malt Drizzley Productions, and have decided to give you, Mr Drizzley, another chance to avoid making a life-changing mistake.
Pardoning you for your stupidity,
And trusting in advance that it will not be repeated,
Lady Babykins-Rosie Montahill, Carlsforde Manor.