I see a lot of things from my vantage point above the bar. People come. People go. They order drinks and sometimes get drunk. Sometimes they even drink out of me. Oh, wait, I forgot to tell you – I’m a wine glass.
Yes, I’ve seen a lot of things in my day, but I’ll never forget the night that she came in. Her name was Jasmine, and boy what a looker she was! I could tell right away that she was trouble by the double-dealing look in her eye, and I was right.
Soon after sitting down, Jasmine ordered a bloody mary and took a sip.
“Excuse me, bartender,” she said in a huff. “I ordered a bloody mary. This is tomato paste.”
“Are you sure?” asked the bartender with confusion. “I thought I made you a bloody mary.”
Jasmine tried the drink again and said smugly, “No, this is definitely tomato paste.”
The bartender looked at the containers under the counter and slapped his head, embarrassed.
“Oh, I see what happened,” he said, giggling. “I mixed up the bloody mary mix with the tomato paste that we keep here for some reason. I’ll just go in the back and get the right stuff to make you another drink.”
When the bartender went to the back to get the bloody mary mix, Chad Gudgai arrived. Chad apparently knew Jasmine, because he walked up to her and said perspicaciously, “So, we meet again.”
Jasmine wasn’t really surprised, but she feigned perplexity and replied, “Why, Chad, imagine seeing you here.”
Chad Gudgai wasn’t born yesterday, though. When she said that, he grabbed her by the arm intensely and shouted, “Oh, you think you can make a monkey out of me, do you? Well, I’m no monkey, sweetheart!”
But just then, I thought I was seeing double, because another man who looked just like Chad came into the bar, except this guy had a pointed goatee. He must have been Chad’s twin!
“Could’ve fooled me,” the twin said dubiously.
Chad pointed at his look-alike, shouting, “You!”
“What the…?” Jasmine exclaimed emphatically. “Whoa! What’s going on here?”
“It’s my evil twin,” said Chad angrily. “Luke Incognito!”
“But wait,” asked Jasmine, seemingly confused. “Why do you guys have different last names?”
“It’s because he’s on the run from the law!” answered Chad. “He changed his name to Luke Incognito so they wouldn’t find him. But now, he’s screwed because I’m going to turn him in!”
“You’d double-cross your own brother?” asked Luke, smirking.
“After what you did? You bet your goatee I would!” Chad shouted with gusto, reaching for his phone.
But just then, Luke pulled out a gun and pointed it at Chad!
“Not so fast,” Luke said devilishly. “The only thing you’re going to reach for, dear brother, is that bag of diamonds in your pocket.”
Chad reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a velveteen bag with a drawstring. Dangling it in the air, he said, “What bag of diamonds? You mean this bag of diamonds?”
Little did he know, Jasmine was really on Luke’s side! She grabbed the bag of diamonds and took it over to Luke.
“Sorry darling. You know I’m a sucker for a goatee,” she said snidely.
“So you were just pretending earlier when it seemed like you didn’t know who Luke was!” Chad exclaimed.
“That’s right,” said Jasmine with a purr. “We’re lovers. I was pretending so we could steal the diamonds from you. I only care about money. Come on, Luke. Let’s blow this pop stand.”
“Muahaha!” laughed Luke evilly. “You thought I was going to take you with me? Foolish woman, I’m going to take the diamonds and keep all the money for myself. You see, I was just using you to get close enough to Chad to steal them.”
Jasmine’s chin quivered as the truth dawned on her.
“But…but…I thought you loved me,” she said fragilely.
“No, I only love myself!” he answered in a sinister way.
“It’s true,” said Chad knowingly. “He even killed our mother. That’s why he’s been hiding from the cops!”
“Well, mom always did love you best, dear brother,” Luke said resentfully.
Jasmine had been crying, but then she stopped crying and got really angry and shouted, “Why I oughtta!”
Even though he had a gun in his hand, she flew at Luke, punching him over and over on the chest until a loud gunshot was heard. She stopped flailing and, taking a few steps backward, she fell on the floor, holding her blood covered stomach. Luke had shot Jasmine!
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” shouted Chad, throwing himself on top of her with abandon, which probably hurt a lot, since she was injured from a gunshot wound.
“Well, it’s been a fun family reunion, dear brother, but I think it’s time for me to go,” said Luke, slipping away into the night with the stolen diamonds. He was never heard from again.
Jasmine was coughing a lot, and trying really hard to say something, so Chad leaned really close to her face and she croaked, “Chad…I’m so…sorry. I made a big…mistake. I shouldn’t have…cared so much about…money. Can you ever forgive me?”
As he looked into her dying face, I asked myself a lot of questions. Was she really sorry? Did she know what a big mistake she had made, caring so much about money? Could Chad ever forgive her?
But I would never learn the answers to those questions, because even though I’m a wine glass, just then I woke up, and it was all a dream.
I’ve managed to fill this thing with every writing cliche and pet peeve I could think of – overuse of adverbs, thesaurus abuse, overuse of exclamation points, cheesy dialogue, writing from the POV of an inanimate object, and my all time favorite most hated writing device, which I know you’ll recognize instantly when you get to the end. If this flaming piece of poo isn’t bad, I don’t know what is. I’m submitting it under a pseudonym and giving you a disguised picture of myself because we’re into Alan Smithee territory here, brother. Read it in good health, because it’s going to make you sick.