God Incorporated (formerly trading as Zeus Enterprises)
999 Clearview Way
Re: Our last conversation
As I was saying on the phone, we can’t be friends any more because of what happened last night. It was an honest mistake that anybody could have made. We had too much to drink. Reminiscing about old times in Athens made me weak and vulnerable. I didn’t know what I was thinking. I was confused. I was blind. I couldn’t see. It was dark. My eyes were closed. The sunglasses blurred my vision.
I don’t know how my pants fell off. The stitching must’ve come loose. I need to fire my tailor. You should fire your tailor as well as your pants fell off too. I didn’t expect to see that we had matching black silk underwear. Oh my, your Grace – XXXL? I’m only an XL. I wasn’t prepared for the accident that occurred next. If I didn’t drop my wine glass I would not have slipped and landed on top of you. I do apologise that my manly appendage touched yours. My foot got caught under your robe and I struggled to free myself and in doing so I may have induced arousal by the manual action of sliding up and down.
I appreciate your help with untangling our underwear. It’s unfortunate that we couldn’t save the fabric. My clumsy fingers didn’t have the strength. They kept sliding off the silk and I couldn’t grab the knot that was wedged in my bottom crevice. I had to bend over so you could ease the knot out. As you know the first attempt didn’t work. There was some dipping sauce on the table that you thought might act as a lubrication device. “That smells like the blood of Hades,” I said. You replied “No, this is definitely tomato paste made from the best tomatoes in all of Greece.”
As you poured it over the knot, my skin tingled with a strange sensation. It started as a warm feeling then progressed into a hotter almost unbearable sting. “Is there anything else in this sauce?” I asked, getting feverish. “Oh no,” you confessed, “the purple pepper of Prometheus also known as The Fire. I forgot about it. I’m sorry. The only way to neutralise the chilli is to add saliva.” So you dived in tongue first, licking up all the sauce you could see, but the unthinkable had happened…a few drops leaked into my seal. “Forgive me!” you cried, parting my cheeks. I yelped as you entered and then I bit down on my lip. Your tongue was like a soothing river, cool and soft. It swirled around reaching the tender flesh of my inner canal, soaking away the burn. Then the pain was gone. You retreated slowly and only then did I realise I had made a mess on the floor. I foolishly tried to hide it from you but you knew. I turned around and saw the same mess dripping down your leg.
You and I know this was just the result of accidental physical stimulation but others might see it as something more. They might try to read into it too much so it’s best we tell nobody. Acting like enemies will help.
Lucifer (Artist formerly known as Pan)
666 Brimstone Street
p.s – I’m sending out invitations to the Christmas Masquerade Ball. I’ll be wearing black silk underwear.
There are two main reasons why “Glory Hole” is bad. The first is the writing style with which the poor excuses are used to justify the actions that take place. The excuses themselves are pathetic, unbelievable and perhaps even laughable to say the least. Unnecessary repetition is deliberately used in the first paragraph to unsuccessfully disguise the avoidance of the letter writer. No serious well thought out sentence would repeat the same idea five consecutive times (unless on purpose, to increase the word count or if the writer ran out of ideas). Overusing the “I” pronoun is frustrating and shows bad planning on the writer’s (me) part. Instead of creating one sentence to express my idea, I was lazy and decided to break that old school rule/myth of not starting sentences with an “I” and I did this four times in a row because it not only shows a very loose and careless attitude for good sentence construction, it also reveals a disregard for my readers and that is a bad thing.
The second reason “Glory Hole” can be considered bad is my deliberate choosing of an awkward subject matter intertwined with deep religious undertones. This can only spell trouble right? Readers will assume I’ve done this to get a shock reaction and they would be right. This was an easy below the belt choice. No talent required – a desperate move for attention, which is pathetic. If all else fails, then sex will sell as the lowest common denominator. There’s nothing clever about that. Add God to this mix and I’ve insulted the fundamentals of Christianity for no moral purpose.