Joan of Arc
LA PUCELLE, Jeanne, a resident of Domremy, France expired Monday, May 30th, 1431. No funeral services will be held, due to the special circumstances of her death. The deceased is held in fond memory by her surviving brothers, Jean and Pierre.
“Our sister was always crazy.” Pierre informed this reporter on Thursday, June 2nd, 1431. “She heard voices and saw visions of someone she called ‘Mary’ since she was a little child.”
“When she was seventeen, she ran away from home without telling anyone.” says her brother, Jean. “And our mother told Pierre and me that we had to go bring her back.”
“We followed her for a long time.” Says Pierre. “We hired some other men to help us search and bring her home. Turned out she was pretending to be a man, doing crazy shit–pardon my English–and trying to take land back from the English oppressors.”
“I think sometimes people thought we were following her into battle.” Jean says, blushing. “Really we were trying to catch the silly girl. Those damned English just kept getting in the way.”
Joan was finally caught by a coalition of English and French charity workers, who saw to it that the girl received the treatment for her illness that she so desperately needed.
“It’s a new process we are calling, pre-death cremation.” Says one of the charity workers. “In most cases of this kind of madness, pre-death cremation solves the problem immediately.”
Another charity worker states, “Basically we just hope the fire gets all the demons out.”
Jean and Pierre informed this reporter that they were saddened by the loss of their sister, but are looking forward to getting back home and doing some much-needed farm work. Jeanne La Pucelle left no Will.