12 Queen Street
I’m writing to apply for your advertised position as a Administration Support at your small business. Not only have I attached a formal cover letter, my resume and my references, but also a convenient rejection letter you may use if you deem my application unsuccessful.
A year of applying for jobs has taught me that many employers feel they do not have the time to reject each applicant personally, something I feel is a little unfair as they’ve taken the time to write to you, so it’s only polite to write back. Therefore, to prevent a social faux pas on your behalf, I have tailored a rejection letter for my application on behalf of your business. If you find me and my qualifications unsuitable for the advertised position, simply print out the letter and place it in the accompanying envelope and you can sleep soundly in the knowledge that you have continued to conduct your business in a professional and efficient manner without ignoring societal niceties.
7 Ashland Street
Dear Gavin Jones,
That’s one hell of an application! Super professional and looking pretty damn awesome. That’s why it sucks so much to have to let you know that you must have totally missed the ultra-ultra-ultra-ultra-(take a breath)-ultra fine print riiight down the bottom of the advertisement.
You see, we’re actually looking for someone waaay more boring and altogether lame than you. I mean, seriously, someone like you working in administration? That’s madness you’d expect from someone who’s locked up in an institution and spends every day trying to make a master key to freedom out of jelly. The person we’re looking for needs to score no more than 95 on your typical IQ test and needs to have less common sense than a dung beetle living in the middle of the Sahara Desert. Plus they’ve got to have no ambition.
Seriously, this administration job is pretty much like a life-sentence. We don’t want anyone who can look beyond the prison walls. Honestly, we want someone who doesn’t even know the prison walls exist.
The problem is I can easily tell from your application, plus a little web-stalking, that you are the perfect package but just the antithesis of what we’re looking for. You’re so smart I bet if they hooked you up to a computer to try and figure out how smart you are the computer wouldn’t be able to keep up and explode (Isn’t that a thing in some movie? If not, it should totally be a part of a biopic on you. I will seriously fund that scene myself.) I bet you’re one of those super smart people who doesn’t flaunt it though. You don’t segregate yourself from idiots like me (LOL), instead you totally give us and our nonsense just as much time and interest as you would for someone who could build a time machine.
And the whole common sense thing? I can’t imagine what mental control it would’ve taken to even think about applying for this terrible job, let alone actually going through with it. There must have been so many alarm bells going off in your head that your neighbours probably thought the entire street was on fire. Seriously though, trust that instinct and don’t waste your time on crappy jobs like this.
I mean that. Someone like you with all that ambition and talent is going to go super far. You must just wake up and have so many crazy and fantastic ideas to make the world a better place. And not only do you have the ideas; you have the phenomenal drive and skills to make them happen. And even if you don’t have the skills, you have the drive to get the skills so you can make all that awesome stuff happen.
I know I’m not the smartest person around (wink) but I do know that you’re not meant for crap like this. If you somehow did manage to fool an employer into believing you were boring and normal and inconsequential, I know you would instantly regret it. You’d hate work like this because you must know that there’s so much more you could be doing. You know when you see those lame ads on TV talking about how if you go whatever university all these doors will suddenly open? Those ads aren’t meant for everyone. They’re meant for people like you. People like you who can actually achieve things.
All the best,