Matez | Nick Lachmund

Ever had to phone a friend?


Nick Lachmund

The Causal Act Quaint Award


My wife, Sonya suggested I join Matez. I told her it was a stupid idea but, in all honesty, I had been trying to make a new friend since we moved here five years ago. I’m not sure why making friends in your thirties is so much harder than when you’re a kid. I was always popular at school but now I don’t have any close friends. I let Sonya talk me into using social media to reach out to someone. After creating an account on Matez, it only took a week or two for a few potential friends to come forward. I had messages and invites and access to profiles I could look through. I was in the game.

I’m a simple man. I like football, movies and drinking beer. On paper, I should be the easiest bloke in the world to hang out with. But it’s small talk and general conversation where I fall down. Perhaps it’s the pressure I feel. Having not had a friend for so long, I always feel the need to keep a conversation going. I don’t think I have had a mate that I can sit in silence with since high school. That’s really what I’m after; someone I’m comfortable around. I know that Matez was set up for people like me. A few years ago, the idea of a friendship-finding phone app would have made me laugh. But we do everything on our phones these days. I order meals, I do my tax and I pay my bills on my phone. Why shouldn’t I use my phone to find a buddy?

I arranged to meet a guy named Mark at a pub. I got to the pub about ten minutes before our agreed time and ordered a beer. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. About twenty minutes after Mark was due to be there I finished my second beer and checked my phone. A notification on Matez told me that I had a message. I assumed it was Mark telling me that he would be late. But when I clicked on the app, it wasn’t the message I hoped for. I won’t recap the whole thing, but the ending kind of summed it up. If you can’t find friends in the real world that means you’re just a fucking loser!! I ordered another beer while I reread the message. Perhaps he was right. Why do I need an app to find friends? Then again, why do people need to troll losers like me?

I walked home alone and thought about my life. I checked my phone before I walked into the house. Mark had spammed the shit out of my profile with abuse. Perhaps there isn’t a friend out there for me. If this is the quality of bloke I’m going to meet on Matez, I think I’ll give up. I’ll get a dog instead. Safer that way. I’ll live out my life with a wife and a dog as a best friend. Maybe that’s the way we’re all headed. For every Mark out there, there’s another versions of me as well. That’s a sobering thought. The world is a pretty shitty place. Perhaps that’s why I can’t find a friend.

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