Donald Trump’s Encyclopaedia of Space | Steve Ashton

F is for… F is for…

What’s F for?

For the Space Travel Die Award

By Steve Ashton

Donald Trump’s Encyclopaedia of Space

A is for Alien
I demand a total and complete shutdown of Alien immigration to the US. Our country cannot be the victims of horrendous attacks by people that believe only in the Dark Side and have no respect for human life.

B is for Big Bang
The universe began with a Big Bang. When I’m President, chances are it’ll end that way, too.

C is for Constellation
My Gemini horoscope for 2016 says: “You will get your way this year and will use any means to achieve that end.” Quite. President Trump – it’s written in the stars.

D is for Dark Matter
Of course dark matters, but not at the expense of light.

E is for Einstein
Famous for his cosmological insights and mighty head of hair. You and me both, Bert.

F is for Falling Star
If they can’t maintain their position in the firmament by their own efforts, I say let ‘em fall.

G is for Galaxy
If I had a dollar for every star in our galaxy then… oh wait.

H is for Hubble’s Law
If you look through the powerful telescope atop Trump Tower, you will observe every other galaxy receding from that point, which proves that Donald Trump lies at the centre of the universe and is highly repellent.

I is for International Space Station
A largely US-funded and inspired enterprise that garners credit for a bunch of foreign freeloaders.

J is for Jupiter
I read on the internet somewhere that there here is absolutely no “greenhouse effect” on Jupiter, so STFU you Climate Change scaremongers.

K is for Klingon
When Kronos sends its Klingon people here, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists. I will build a great, great wall around planet Kronos, and I will make the Klingons pay for that wall. Mark my words.

L is for Lightyear
Buzz Lightyear promised to go ‘to infinity and beyond.’ I aim to go further than that. ‘Aim high, fall short’ – that’s my motto.

M is for Moon Buggy
As Apollo 14 astronaut Alan Shepard demonstrated, you can hit a golf ball two miles on the Moon. When I build my golf course at Tranquillity Base, buggies will be essential.

N is for Nuclear
It’s not clear at all. In fact I’d go so far as to says it’s UNclear.

O is for Orbit
The elliptical path taken by lesser bodies, such as political aides, around a big star, such as me.

P is for Phone
In an act of compassion, every ugly little wrinkled Alien slated for deportation will be allowed to phone home.

Q is for Quasar
A quasi-stellar object, much in the way I’m an objectionable quasi-politician.

R is for Relativity
My justification for appointing Donald Trump Jnr as Executive Vice President of The Trump Organization.

S is for Star
The Sun is a star. Donald Trump is a star. There are other examples, but those will suffice.

T is for Telescope
If you look through the wrong end of telescope, big stuff looks tiddly. Remember that.

U is for Uranus
We’ve landed men on the Moon and sent rovers to Mars, We’ve also probed Venus, Jupiter and Saturn. When I’m president, I guarantee I will probe Uranus.

V is for Venus
The most beautiful planet in the Solar System. When I look at Venus, I can tell she is flirting with me, consciously or unconsciously, which is to be expected.

W is for White Dwarf
A collapsed star (see Yellow Dwarf).

X is for Xenophobia
The country on Krypton where Superman was born. My kinda place.

Y is for Yellow Dwarf
Obama tried to turn the Sun into a Black Hole, and Putin the expansionist tried to turn it into a Red Giant. Our beloved Sun is currently a Yellow Dwarf because we allow China to suck up more than its fair share of solar power.

Z is for Zodiac
Scientists believe astrology is false.
Scientists also believe Global Warming is true.
Global Warming is a crock of shit.
Therefore astrology must be true.
Hence Donald Trump will be the next President of the United States

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