My old mate Frankie was better known as “that guy”; apart from me, no one noticed him. He is the kind of person who would blend easily into a crowd. Therefore I was surprised when “that guy” told me he is “the guy” who is currently dating my sister.
“Are you kidding me?”
“Of course not,” he said. “I won’t joke about it.”
“Then you are a pedophile.”
“Come on… she might be twelve years younger than me, but she’s not an underage girl,” he said. “She’s eighteen.”
“It doesn’t change the fact that she was still crawling when we were studying for O Level.”
“But what do you think, she and I?”
“Honestly? It’s like hearing your Golden Retriever telling you he wants to wear Bugs Bunny boxer,” I said.
He rolled his eyes in response.
“Here’s the deal, let me predict three things about you,” I said. “First, you can’t lick your elbow. No, no, you don’t need to try that in front of me. Second, you won’t die because of ovarian cancer. And third, you and my sister are not going to last long.”
He shrugged.
“What’s good about my sister anyway?” I asked. “There are plenty of other fish in the sea.”
”She’s sweet and she loves cooking.”
“Wait a second. Don’t be hasty, young padawan,” I told him. “She’s only an egg specialist, not a Master Chef. Fried egg, poached egg, boiled egg, scrambled egg, omelet, chawanmushi, eggs benedict. How do you cook an egg? Let her show you the ways.”
“You don’t like eggs?”
“I like eggs, but not too often. It’s like watching Angelina Jolie starring in every single damn movie. Yes, she’s super hot. But too much of a good thing is never good. You need someone else.”
“I get your point.”
“And Megan Fox doesn’t count, she is Jolie’s doppelganger.”
“Putting Jolie aside, are you done now?”
“Not really.”
“Look, I know she’s your precious little sister. That’s why I had thought about it carefully before I gathered the courage to ask her out,” he said. “But trust me, I’m dead serious about her.”
“Which one? Are you dead or are you serious?”
“It’s not funny.”
“First golden rule: If you are going to date my sister, then my jokes are ALWAYS funny.”
“Are you telling me that you finally approve?”
“Well, you have to do a couple of silly things when you are young so you can write something funny in your memoirs,” I said. “I have nothing to say if the two of you virgins had decided to gang up together.”
“But you just said a lot of things.”
“No, I didn’t,” I said. “Those were just running commentaries.”
He sighed.
“Since you are remarkably persistent, I could only offer one piece of advice,” I told him.
“Hey, stop being…”
“Make sure you treat her well.” I opened two cans of Asahi Super Dry and handed out one to him. “She might transforms into a mutant Godzilla whenever she has her period, but she’s still a pretty useful girl.”
“Useful?”
“Yeah, she’s the constant reminder why I’m still single and order takeaways.”
“It’s a promise,” he grinned sheepishly.
We toasted and drank the beer, bottoms up.